Dating can be challenging for everyone. If you’re an introvert, it can be a real struggle. And if you’re an introvert living with a chronic medical condition, dating can seem nearly impossible.
But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, you can learn to use your introversion to your advantage. Being an introvert comes with a lot of hidden traits the world rarely sees. Learn to show this side of you in public and you’ll have a huge advantage over your competition.
You may not want to think of dating as competition, but in so many ways it is. But we’ll get to that in a little bit. First, let’s look at the differences between introverts and extroverts.
Introverts and Extroverts
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The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung came up with the idea of introversion and extroversion roughly a hundred years ago. In college, I was a huge fan of Jung and read his collected works. He was a friend and colleague of Sigmund Freud for a while, but disagreed with many of Freud’s ideas. So Jung created his own brand of psychoanalysis called analytical philosophy.
Jung believed that people are either introverted or extroverted. While you can certainly display traits of both, he believed that you are predominantly one or the other. This idea is still used in modern psychology and has become a part of everyday language.
Introverts are people who are focused inward. They enjoy solitary activities and have a very rich mental life. Generally, introverts are more reserved and reflective. They enjoy things like reading, writing, hiking, using computers, playing instruments, and doing artwork. I am, without question, an introvert (in case you were wondering). These are the people that are often in the background, quietly observing their surroundings.
Extroverts are the opposite. They are largely focused outward. They enjoy human interaction and tend to be enthusiastic, assertive, gregarious, and talkative. Extroverts enjoy things that involve lots of other people like parties, community activities, business, and politics. These are the people who like to be the center of attention. Life of the party. Social butterfly. You get the idea.
Modern psychologists don’t see people as being either/or. Instead, they see introversion-extroversion as a spectrum. Everyone has introverted and extroverted traits. But most people lean heavily towards one side or the other. Like I said, I’m an introvert. And if you’re reading this, then I assume you are too.
The Dating Game
Have you ever wondered why they call the art of picking up women, “game?” As distasteful as this idea may seem to some, it very much is a game. And not just for guys. Men and women both play the game. There are players, rules, and goals. This is the definition of a game.
Extroverts are at an advantage in this game, by default. They may not realize it consciously, buy they already know how to play the game. A big part of it is simply having confidence and putting yourself out there. This is what extroverts, by definition, do.
But introverts have a different advantage: the ability to observe and study this game. Learn the ins and outs of every rule. And to analyze social situations before making a move. This type of strategy can give you an upper hand.
If you want to learn to get better at dating, you should start looking at it as a game. Learn the rules, and then start to play. A big advantage of this is that it takes some of the emotion out of it. Their will be plenty of time for emotions later. But if you want to be an effective dater, a rational approach will work best.
Play Up Your Strengths
Introverts are often good at all kinds of things. They spend their free time engaged in solitary activities they are passionate about. And few things are more attractive than passion. This is true for men and women. Unfortunately, introverts often have trouble publicly displaying their passions.
I’ve been playing guitar since I was in my early teens. When I went to parties in my teens and 20’s, I would often be the guy in the corner quietly talking with the person I came with. But whenever someone broke out a guitar (which was inevitable at the kind of parties I used to go to), I would patiently wait until I could get a turn, and then close my eyes and play my heart out.
For a long time, this was my “in” at social gatherings. When I played, my passion for the guitar was obvious. And both men and women took notice.
What are you passionate about? Music? Writing? Cooking? Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to show it. Dating is a lot like marketing. Actually, I take that back. Dating is marketing. You are marketing yourself. And like every good sales pitch, you need to emphasize all of your strengths.
This doesn’t mean you’re supposed to act like you’re completely weakness-free. We all have weaknesses. And those of us with chronic illnesses may have more than most. But you want to emphasize your strengths, especially when you first meet someone. If you’re struggling to overcome your chronic-illness-related weaknesses, you may want to read this: 7 Dating Challenges For People With Chronic Illnesses.
Compete By Being Non-Competitive
Extroverts excel in social situations. It’s what they do. Introverts can be outgoing at times, sure. But generally, extroverts have the upper hand in social situations.
I’ve never found it useful to try to compete with extroverts out in public. It’s a game I’m unlikely to win. Instead, I try to play up our differences. While extroverts often talk about their social conquests (who they know, what social events they’ve been to), I like play it off like I don’t have time for all of that because I’m too busy working on other things.
Confidence is attractive, regardless of your gender. You don’t have to be loud and outgoing to display confidence. In fact, you can often come across as more confident than the extrovert standing next to you. By simply playing it cool, you’ll often cause extroverts to try to be even more outgoing. If you can make it seem like they are trying too hard by comparison, you’ll gain the upper hand.
Where introverts really shine is in one-on-one conversation. This is they key. I like to play it cool in public. But when I get someone alone, I’m much more comfortable. And when I’m more comfortable, I’m able to articulate myself better and not just display confidence, but actually feel confident.
Don’t try to come across as extroverted if you are not extroverted. Trying to compete with an extrovert at being extroverted is a losing battle. Instead, play to your strengths. Play it cool and wait until you can get some one-on-one time. Then you can let your true colors show.
Put Yourself Out There
This one can be tough for most introverts, but it’s necessary. It can be even tougher for us introverts with chronic illnesses. But you’re never going to meet anyone if nobody knows you exist. You have to put yourself in situations where you will meet new people.
Maybe the bar and club scenes aren’t for you. That’s fine. Those places are an extrovert’s paradise. But you need to do what you do best: think. Think about what type of person you are looking for, and where those types of people would be.
A lot of relationships start with a mutual interest. What are you interests? Are you into yoga? Take a yoga class. You like music? Many music stores and independent coffee houses have open mic nights. Check one out and make it a point to introduce yourself to at least one or two people. This is a great way to meet others with similar interests. Whatever you are into, there’s likely a group of people getting together to do it somewhere near you. Join them.
You need to put yourself out there. If you have trouble introducing yourself to new people, look at it this way: You’re a great guy/girl. You have a lot to offer, right? So, by not introducing yourself, you’re actually doing them a disservice. It’s wrong to not introduce yourself, because you are denying them the chance to get to know a great guy/girl. Don’t deny people the chance to get to know you. Put yourself out there.
And it doesn’t just have to be out in the real world in person. You can put yourself out there and meet people without even leaving your bed. Between social media, dating apps and websites, online groups, and other places people get together online, there’s never been an easier time to get out there and meet people. And you don’t even have to leave the house to do it.
Be Realistic
You need to be realistic. If you are looking for a 25-year-old blonde virgin with a perfect body who listens to King Diamond and plays Call of Duty all day, you’re gonna be looking for a long time. Like, forever, because the perfect girl/guy doesn’t exist.
Are you setting yourself up to fail? Are you being unrealistic in your expectations? Be honest with yourself. If you’re waiting to find the perfect person, you’re gonna be waiting for a long time. And the reason is simple: the perfect person doesn’t exist.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards. But be realistic. Nobody is perfect.
Figure out what qualities your ideal partner would have. Maybe you want someone who’s smart, funny, good looking, has a decent job, likes to travel, likes kids and animals, enjoys cooking, and is just as addicted to Netflix as you are.
Now, figure out which of those qualities your potential partner has to have. Pick a few qualities that are really important to you and set your expectations there. If you meet someone that has more, great. But this way you won’t be waiting around for the perfect person to walk into your life. Because that could turn out to be a very long wait.
A lot of introverts and people living with chronic illnesses want to find someone who is also introverted and/or living with a medical condition. If that’s you but don’t know where to begin, you may want to read this: Where To Meet Others With Chronic Illnesses.
It’s A Numbers Game
I have a friend named Phil who went off to a well-known party school in western Massachusetts in the late 1990s. He came up with something he called playing the odds. Phil would approach woman after woman on campus, introduce himself, and politely ask them if they would sleep with him. Not surprisingly, almost every woman Phil approached said no. Almost every woman.
But every once in a while, he would get a yes. He explained to me that it’s all a numbers game. While most women would say no, every 50th woman or so would say yes.
I always admired Phil for this. I would never have the courage to get rejected over and over and over again. But he did, and it paid off. You see, Phil figured out that it’s all a numbers game. The more women you ask, the more likely you are to get a yes. And I should note that Phil is and always has been rather introverted. This experiment was not easy for him, but that was the point. He wanted to push himself outside of his comfort zone – and he very much did.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you do what Phil did. But I want you to learn from it, as I did. Dating, like Phil’s playing the odds, is a numbers game.
The more people you introduce yourself to, the more people you will develop a rapport with. The more people you converse with, the more people you can ask out. The more people you ask out, the more people will say yes. The more people you date, the better the chances of finding someone you have a real connection with.
It’s all a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the better your chances of finding what you’re looking for.
Know That It Will Get Easier
Social interaction can be difficult for many introverts. It can be downright painful for us introverts with chronic illnesses. But like anything, it gets easier the more you do it.
Most introverts get anxious when facing new social experiences. We like things that are familiar and comfortable. But after new experiences, we’re often thankful that we tried them and can’t wait to do them again.
Dating is no different. If you’re new to the dating world, it can seem overwhelming and anxiety provoking. But it will get easier. Just remind yourself that it will get easier over time.
And know that it’s a process. Very, very rarely does anyone ever go out and find their ideal partner right away. You need to be patient. If you have a chronic disease, you already are a patient. When it comes to dating, you just have to be patient.
Set Concrete Dating Goals
If you’re having trouble getting out there and meeting people, you’ll benefit from setting goals. But they have to be realistic, measurable goals.
Depending on your level of sociability and disability, set goals that are realistic. If you are really shy and have trouble meeting people, then start small. Maybe set the goal of introducing yourself to two people this week. Then next week, three. Then five. The following week, introduce yourself to five people and ask one of them if they’d like to grab a drink, a coffee, or whatever.
It’s important that you write these goals down. And when you achieve them, cross them off. Studies show that making to-do lists actually double the odds of those tasks getting done.
It doesn’t matter how small the goals are you set for yourself. If you’ve been living with a chronic medical condition for a long time, are bedridden or have limited mobility, and/or suffer from severe anxiety, depression, and pain, you might need to start of setting teeny-tiny goals.
Even if your first goal is to simply download a dating app or join a Facebook group, set that goal and make it happen. Then after a few days or the next week, set the goal of creating an account or introducing yourself to the FB group. Little goals done consistently can add up to big things over time.
Conclusion
Being an introvert in the extroverted world of dating can have many challenges. But you can use your introversion to your advantage. Having a chronic illness can certainly complicate things, but it doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone forever.
I’ve had some great relationships with a lot of wonderful women over the years and I know tons of introverts with chronic illnesses that have (with women and men), too. Don’t let yourself think, even for a second, that you can’t do it or that you don’t deserve it. You can and you do.
By following this dating advice for introverts with chronic illnesses, you’ll likely improve your chances of finding what you’re looking for. Your introversion is your weapon. Don’t be afraid to use it!
Are you an introvert with a chronic illness who’s currently in the dating game? What challenges have you faced that are unique to being an introvert? How about challenges unique to having a chronic illness? What advice would you give to others in your situation? Please leave your answers in the comments section at the bottom.
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