Being able to compromise is a great quality to have in a relationship. The happiest couples are the ones where both people are willing to compromise to make the other happy. But you should never compromise with yourself about the type of people you choose to spend you time with.
We’ve all seen it happen to our friends, family, and acquaintances. And most of us have experienced it ourselves. I’m talking about those relationships where you know the person is is bad for you, but you stay in it anyway.
Or maybe not even bad for you. But just not right for you. So why do we stay in these “bad” relationships, and how can we learn to avoid them?
Why we end up with who we end up with
Table of Contents
Every relationship is different. We get into them for all kinds of reasons, stay in them for all kinds of reasons, and end them for all kinds of reasons.
But sometimes we can see patterns in our past relationships. If you take an honest look at your past relationships, you may be able to find some similarities.
Take me, for example. I’ve never had a problem attracting women. From the age of 15 to the age of 30, I always had a girlfriend (well, most of the time). But I realized something about all those girlfriends. They all came to me. They pursued me.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but it’s true. I didn’t ask out any of those girls. We just met, hit it off, and started spending time together. But I didn’t actively pursue any of them.
The truth is, I didn’t have the self-esteem necessary to ask women out then. My self-esteem was already low and having a chronic illness only made it worse. The thought of being rejected heavily outweighed the possibility of getting a yes.
So, what happened was this: I didn’t end up with the type of girls that I wanted. I ended up with the type of girls that wanted me.
This might not sound like an important difference, but it is. You see, girls that pursue guys are generally more outgoing, extroverted, and aggressive. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.
Some of my past girlfriends were wonderful. Some were absolutely awful, but many were great. But they weren’t the type of girls that I dreamed about being with.
I wanted a shy, introverted, and somewhat passive girl back then. A girl that had the same personality type as me. I was looking for a girl that was basically me with breasts. But I could never find a girl like that, and I didn’t understand why at the time. Now I do.
The type of girl that I was looking for would’ve been too shy and timid to make a move on me. And, at the time, my self-esteem was so low that I wouldn’t have made a move on any girl unless I was 100% certain that she wouldn’t reject me.
So I kept ending up in relationship after relationship with girls that weren’t what I was looking for. Like I said, some past girlfriends were amazing. But they weren’t what I wanted at the time.
The point of me telling you all this is that in order to break a bad cycle, you first have to identify it. Once I realized why I wasn’t getting the kind of girls that I wanted, I was able to change it.
Take an honest look at your past relationships. Have they been with the types of people that you wanted to be with? Or did you end up with them for other reasons?
Once you identify the reasons that you get into the wrong relationships, you can start to change. But you have to take a cold, hard, honest look at your past. It’s not always pretty, and it’s never easy. Now let’s look at some of the reasons that people get and stay in bad relationships.
Reasons why people settle for less
There are dozens, maybe hundreds of reasons why people get in and stay in relationships with each other. But not all of these are good reasons.
Let’s look at some of the bad reasons why people get and stay in relationships. I’m sure you’ve known (or currently do know) tons of people that have been in relationships for the wrong reasons.
Maybe you have been (or currently are) in a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons. I certainly have been. But I won’t be ever again. Not now that I know how to identify these reasons and change them. Here’s some of the reasons that people settle for less:
1. Fear of being alone
This is the biggest bad reason people get in and stay in relationships for. We often settle for less because we’re afraid of being alone. The thought of being with someone who is wrong for us is easier to deal with than the thought of being with no one at all.
This can certainly be true for both men and women at any age. But it seems to be especially true of some women as they get older. In our society, women are often seen as being in their prime during their early 20’s (I don’t personally agree with this, but it’s true). Men, on the other hand, are not considered in their prime until much later in life.
This causes many women in their later 20’s and 30’s to feel like they need to be in a relationship. They feel that if they don’t get into a relationship now, then they never will. So women end up settling for a partner who is less than ideal. But they’d rather be with the wrong person than no one at all.
And, again, it’s not just women. Men of all ages end up in unhappy relationships because they would rather be in the wrong relationship than no relationship at all.
2. Not wanting to let go of your current partner
This is another common reason why people stay in relationships that aren’t right for them. Even though they know their current partner is wrong for them, at the same time, they don’t want to lose them.
Letting go of things can be hard. Not just in relationships, but in life. We get comfortable being around certain people and in certain situations. Even though we know we could do better, we don’t want to give up what we currently have.
If you’ve been with someone for say, 5 years, you’re used to having them around. It’s hard to imagine life without that person there. It’s even harder the longer you’ve been together.
3. Convenience
This is a terrible reason to stay with someone who is wrong for you. However, it’s another common one.
Most of our relationships are built around convenience. Or maybe a better word would be proximity. Think about when you were a child. Think about your childhood friends. Who were they? Odds are they were other kids from your neighborhood.
Think about your friends now. They’re probably people you work with, go to school with, or see somewhere else regularly. My point is that we tend to spend our free time with people that we see in our day-to-day lives. It makes sense because these are the people we are around and the people we get to know. And these are usually the people that we end up in relationships with.
As we get older, our social circles generally shrink. Usually, they shrink drastically. Throughout school and college we’re constantly around potential partners. Then, when we enter the workforce, the number of acquaintances we have usually plummets.
This makes the pool of potential boy/girlfriends very small. We end up in relationships with people not because they are right for us, but because they are simply all that is around.
There’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone you work or go to school with. But you should ask yourself if you’re with them because you go well together or if it’s because they just happen to be around a lot.
4. Pressure from family and friends
I don’t think this is anywhere near as common now as it has been in the past. But it still happens. Parents, siblings, other relatives, friends, and coworkers can all influence who we choose to be in relationships with.
Sometimes we are so eager to please the people around us that we do things that aren’t necessarily in our best interest. And sometimes those things include being in a relationship with the wrong person.
I think this is especially true of some parents wanting their children to get married so badly that they push them into marrying the wrong person. Again, not as common as in past generations. But it still happens.
5. Low self-esteem
This last reason why people get and stay in bad relationships is, unfortunately, very common. And while it can tie in with numbers 1 and 2, it should be addressed separately.
When our self-esteem is low, we believe we can’t do and don’t deserve better than what we have. Sometimes, when our self-esteem is really low, we feel like we don’t even deserve what we currently have.
This is certainly true in relationships. Someone in a relationship who has low self-esteem may feel like they can’t do any better, so they should stay with who they’re with.
This is commonly seen in abusive relationships. Have you ever wondered why a woman would stay with a man who beats the shit out of her every day? This is why. There may be more going on, but almost always low-self esteem is a part of it.
Low self-esteem can give rise to a number of different problem. People with low self-esteem often get into relationships with people who are wrong for them from the beginning. And then they stay in them even if they are abusive.
Learning to settle for more
Now that you know why people get and stay in bad relationships, you can make sure to never fall into that trap. And here are a few tips that will help you settle for more in your relationships.
Develop healthy self-esteem
This is the single most important thing you can do to make sure you don’t end up with someone who’s not right for you. If you have low self-esteem, there are a million ways to improve it.
When you’re self-esteem is low, you feel like you can’t do better or that you don’t deserve better. Well, I’m here to tell you that you can and you do. Just look at me, for example. I used to have no self-esteem. Low self-esteem would have been an upgrade. But now, after years of working on myself, I’m overflowing with confidence. I’ll never settle for less again and neither should you!
Take your time
Maybe you’re getting older and feel like you need to latch onto someone soon or else be alone forever. Well, you don’t. You know how many singles there are out there? Tons!
I know sometimes you may feel like you’re the only one alone on the whole planet. But trust me, you’re not. There’s someone out there somewhere who is right for you. You just have to get out there and look. Be patient.
Don’t be afraid of change
If you’re in a relationship with someone who you know is wrong for you, end it. You’ll be glad you did… eventually.
Change is hard for most of us. But how often have you put something off for a long time only to be really happy that you did it afterwards?
If you’re in an unhappy relationship, move on. And do it sooner rather than later.
Put yourself out there
I know this is hard for a lot of people. And it’s been hard for me in the past. But if you don’t put yourself out there at least a little bit, you’re not gonna find someone who is right for you.
The more people you get to know, the better the chances of finding someone who is good for you. Don’t settle for the first person who shows interest in you. Get out there and meet a bunch of people. The more options you have, the less likely you are to settle for less.
Conclusion
Life is too short to settle for less. We all deserve happiness. We all deserve to be with someone who is good for us. Don’t let fear or insecurity allow you to get stuck in a relationship that isn’t right for you.
No matter how weird, unlikable, or unlovable you might think you are, I promise there is someone out there who would be great for you. Don’t settle for anything less.
How can I say this with such certainty? Simple. It’s all about numbers and diversity. There is such a large number of singles out there who are all so different from each other, that it would be impossible for none of them to be good for you. You just have to get out there and meet them.
So don’t settle for less. Learn to settle for more – and nothing less.
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